Let’s talk measurements:

The day begins and I am off to find the best pair of jeans – a gruelling task for even the most experienced shopper. The first store I arrived at was Lee Cooper; I got an assortment of jeans, everything from Skinny to Flared. The changing room had bright lights and the staff was working it to Justin Timberlake, except for the manager, who was “like such a drill sergeant, working us so hard” the sales team told me as they were practising their moves in hopes of being Justin’s back up dancers. The sales team are rather amusing, it reminds me of when you’re at a club and there’s always some crazy dancing and you end up doing circles around them for the fear they might injure you or even themselves. The sales woman had me pegged as a Size 26, “you are probably a size 26, just like me” but the initial pair was far too big, so I moved down to a 25, 24 depending on the cut. The first pair I tried on was a skinny, or so the tag said. I put it on and the waist fit, but the legs were so wide, it reminded me of early nineties tapered denims.

The second pair, light wash flair, was so tight around the waist I looked like a muffin-top; but I seemed to be the only one who felt that way, as a man walking past, hand in hand with his girlfriend was quite obviously staring at my bum, the sales team told me as they laughed at him. The legs were flared, long and just an unflattering style for any size. The myth that flares make you look taller, is just that, a nasty story made up by mean girls who don’t want any competition.

The third pair, a straight leg, was darker, looked more promising in its cut, but when I put the pair on, they were so tight at the hips, and loose at the legs it almost didn’t fit. The bum factor wasn’t bad; once again I got positive feed back, but over all the jeans was uncomfortable and ill proportioned. I began thinking just how terribly unflattering these cuts are, should I just leave now? Move on to a different store? I decided to persevere. Several jeans, a cut finger and a popped off button later and the results confirmed the jeans were terribly cut, tiny waist low rise denims with wide legs regardless of the style or cut. I was exhausted and flustered by the warmth of the bright shopping lights. I almost started to doubt myself, for a split second the experience almost had me feeling fat, I blame missing lunch for my crazy thinking. It was obvious the jeans were poorly made, and the style was completely unflattering. .

The second store I went to was Guess, I also tried on several pairs, most of them looked good. Their denims allow for some stretch, which is essential for good moulding to the shape of your body. One in particular I favoured, the flared Sassy, which was a medium wash flair, even the gold embellishments didn’t deter me, but they did reminded me of an ad for the bedazzler, the one which features the voice over of [the girl from the Apprentice].

By the time I arrived at the third store which sold paper denim jeans, the day was almost over. An important factor to know about paper denim’s are theses jeans really have no give or stretch. The sales man handed me the styles I requested, when I entered the changing room it was closed by a huge wooden door with blinds, the first pair was too big, the second pair was tiny, didn’t go past my knees. As I put on the third pair I heard the sales man say, “how’s the fit”, I got such a fright as I could see the sales man through the door of the changing room. I could also see everyone outside, and I began to wonder if anyone could see me standing in my underwear? The way the blinds were cut allows me to see into the store, and no one to see in, unless you are unusually tall, as the gaps between the blinds widens the higher you go.

Paper denims are the types of jeans that either fit or they don’t, but once again the hips were crazy tight, I could fit into them, but they weren’t the most comfortable, a size bigger would have been far too big. My hips measure in at 32.5” if they’re too tight for me, who’s suppose to wear them? I see it all the time when girls come out their stalls and are completely devastated by their reflections. Most people don’t question a fit or a cut and at the slightest hint of an imperfection their self esteem jumps out the window.

The day was gone and I entered the last boutique for the day, the girls there love watching Laguna Beach, and sometimes I’ll gossip with them about how rude the staff at other retail out lets can be. Today’s topic was about the boys who work around the corner, the type that like to ‘model’ all the merchandise in their store, you know the type, that’s too busy posing and staring at themselves in the mirror to really work. I’ve seen how they snub customers and the arrogance they exude. Regardless of which store you work at, retail is retail, they have to fold and steam clothes wherever they work so I really don’t see where the arrogance comes from. I should start boycotting stores that offer poor service, but I suppose if I did that I wouldn’t shop anywhere. The girls agreed, so it was unanimous, we have decided that all retail staff should be friendly and sincere or risk boycott. The inner working of the retail community is far more complex and sordid than one may think – especially if you have a friend that works in retail, they dish all the petty scandals about who wore what to work and who got their friend a discount. The stuff no one cares about unless you actually work there.

By the time I left the last store it was after seven and I was exhausted. Overall jeans are tough to shop for and it takes time and endurance to find the best pair, but once you have it, it’s worth all the effort.