There must be a beauty parlour in heaven - and I know what it will be like. Because Nichola Joss, the 40-year-old beauty therapist, has taken time off from tending to the nails and skin of A-plus-list celebrities to come to my flat and give me her £250 red-carpet facial.
Normally, Nichola divides her time between prepping models for Vogue covers, manicuring nominees backstage at the Oscars, visiting private clients and doing two days a week in Harley Street. Today, she gets me.
She drags a case the size of a planet into my flat, and opens it. It looks like a travelling branch of Space NK.
Nichola doesn't mess around. She sticks me on my back on the floor, my head between her knees, and stares.
'Your skin is dirty,' she says.
My skin is dirty? I try to sit up.
'Hush,' she soothes, in a graceful Scottish burr that makes me think of fields of heather. 'I like it dirty. I can see what kind of environment it lives in.' Now Nichola eyeballs a blemish.
'Don't squeeze your spots,' she says.
Me? Squeeze my spots? OK, I do squeeze my spots, I admit, staring up at her perfect complexion. What else has a single girl got to do with her life? Now Nichola stares some more; she seems obsessed with my skin. 'I could tell if you were pregnant by looking at your face,' she says.
'The skin changes. You really need to eat more fruit and vegetables. I can see that you are lacking iron. And you eat too much meat.'
I am amazed that she can read this from my complexion. She is the Mystic Meg of skin.
The divination is over. Nichola starts cleansing my face, questioning me about my beauty routine.
'Exfoliation!' she exclaims. 'Oh no! It does more harm than good. What matters is what you put into your body. It is so important not to smoke, and not to drink too much coffee, or too much alcohol. But good skin is also genetic.'
As Nichola wipes the dirt off my face, she tells me what to do to get skin like Gwyneth Paltrow's. 'You should double-cleanse your face with Stella McCartney foaming cleanser,' she says.
And then she stops. The dirt has been removed and now she can see my face clearly. 'Tanya, you have lovely skin,' she says. 'But it really needs a bit of love.'
Tanya before (left) and after her facial
She takes a fragrant flower oil from the magic case and starts massaging to increase the circulation. 'I am going to awaken your skin,' she says. 'Your skin needs a springtime.'
The question I really want to ask is - how good is Nichola? 'If you saw me once a week from the age of 25,' she says, 'and did your homework - the things I told you to do - you would look 25 until you were 36. When you were 50, you would look 40.
'I can tell if an actress doesn't eat,' she says. 'Something strange happens to the skin. Cate Blanchett (one of her clients) has the best skin in the world.' Next, Nichola gets out a little jade roller and starts pushing it over my face to stimulate the skin. The effect is divine. Then she massages moisturisers into me. Ahhhhhhh! For the last part of our routine I show Nichola the products that I normally use.
'Junk this inferior cleanser,' she says, wagging a perfectly manicured finger.
'But it was expensive!' I wail.
'Use it on your body then, not on the face,' she concedes. 'Now,' she says, talking in the firm, kind voice of Mary Poppins, 'you will use serum exfoliant and cleanser by Ren, and Dermalogica's products. They are perfect for you. And L'Occitane's Brightening Polish. SK-II and Coco de Mer are also good. Don't forget to double-cleanse!'
'Yes, Mary Poppins — I mean, Nichola,' I mutter. 'Thank you so much.' She smiles, packs her products in her case and then - like Mary Poppins but so much more hydrated - she flies away.
For more information about beauty workshops, visit www.nicholajoss.com or www.premiere-agency.com.
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